Fear of being destroyed if ever fully loving again
While I was contemplating a few days ago a question asked of me: I am living the time of my Life now, how am I going to enable my own Dream for Self and live it to the fullest?
My dream for myself is to have a true most compatible soulmate, fully being loved and love him in return, to be supported, emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually, to grow together, to travel together etc.
Then a quote from a book I was reading threw me in a spin.
“Twas no’ ever ye, but my feelings for ye – they’re too strong, ye see, I thought I couldn’t bear them. I thought, if I let them take me, they would destroy me in the end. But I was wrong”
I shook and I sobbed and I realised that the first thing that came up was the fear of ever loving fully again, as it would destroy me as it did before. As well as I do the destroying. Holy Dooley
I left my first love to go to Australia – and found out later I had destroyed him.
2nd love left for South America for work, got really sick and fell in love and married the secretary of the new company he was working for. I only found out 18 months later. That one destroyed me. I took revenge/used every male possible for at least 9 months after finding out. Then I looked within and was totally disgusted with myself, but “pined/yearned” for several years for what I couldn’t have any more.
3rd love rejected me after I nearly set an ultimatum. I was at a cross-roads with decisions of staying in Oz or going back to Holland. I wanted to know if our relationship was going anywhere besides great sex and he said no, he was not ready for that.
I had looked at each relationship before and cleared individual bits, but never looked at it from this angle, the fear of being destroyed again if I ever opened up to love again and be loved. No wonder my true love has not stepped forward as yet, which I have been putting “out there” for a few years. I had embraced lessons learned from those relationships and the primary thing was not to look at love outside of myself. Needed to love myself first before I could commit to loving another and be loved by them and have totally forgiven myself for destroying others and allowing others to destroy me. (editing this for my blog I immediately stepped into Ho’Oponopono – I love you, I am Sorry, Please Forgive me, Thank you and that shifted some more)
I went back to fully clearing the traumas of the aftermaths and that feeling of utter annihilation of “Lost Loves” in this life and those Lifetimes before” and taught myself through Creator that I Can love deeply again without getting destroyed. That I trust that I have the discernment in choosing the right partner this time and both are a strong YES now. The fear of ever fully loving an intimate partner again and the fear of being destroyed when I love that deeply again are now also gone.
Ready to manifest that man now.
Then the 2nd part. Think of creative inspirational ways to share it with others in a liberating and totally free way.
That part is quite easy for me. I do that through my ThetaHealing work. Yesterday e.g. I had 2 clients, both young, the 2nd was betrayed and felt destroyed by that, having even vengeful thoughts re the others. Interesting how creator brings me those clients with issues I am working on myself. I cleared a lot while I was working on her, as I shared with her later and thanked her for it with all my heart.
I love my work and I love my clients/students who are so willing to share this journey with me as well as you my Beloved siSTARS and brothers.